Last week I briefly shared about my breakup. This was very personal and something that was extremely difficult for me to go through. I just wanted to share my story and to share how I am dealing with it. I very much respect Reggie, even now that this is all done and over with. April of 2016 I started dating Reggie. We had met 5 years prior at Adventureland. Both being kids at the time nothing really happened, but we kept it touch over the years and finally after moving to Ames and both being “grown up” decided to try again. When I went on the date I had no expectations. I didn’t really think it would be a life changing point in my life and to be honest after our first date I wasn’t even sure if I really liked him. So much had changed since that day we met 5 years prior, but I gave him a chance and sure enough we become something more. He was like a breath of fresh air. He saw me for who I really was and for the first time in my life I felt like someone got it. He was everything I never knew I needed. I had the best summer of my life and we spent almost everyday seeing each other. We quickly fell in love and were in our honeymoon stage where everything was perfect. Summer went by quickly and then it was time to start school again. Life got hard and we quickly realized we were out of the honeymoon stage and things were getting real. I moved out of my aunts and into my apartment where I had to start paying bills and taking on more responsibilities and he moved to the dorms where his life became all consuming with basketball. I had a hard time adjusting to everything and constantly longed for things to be like they were in the summer. We were both incredibly busy, and found it hard to keep making that 30 minute drive. We saw each other less and fought more and we decided we needed a break from each other. We ended it for two weeks. The first week was a relief. A week that I needed, but then after that it felt real. I had felt so lucky that I met the person that I would spend the rest of my life with being only 20. He was everything I had always wanted. Some things happened that I thought we would never recover from, but we worked it out and got back together. Just like that the fighting stopped. He was everything I wanted again. Almost perfect. He was always surprising me and bringing over my favorite things. We really connected and everything was great again. The new year rolled around and we spent 2017 doing new things and exploring together. We made a bucket list that summer and crossed off almost everything, but we knew our time was coming to an end and that in fall of 2017 he would be moving away to pursue his dreams of basketball. After spending a weekend with him I would find myself completely heart-broken when he had to leave even though I knew I would see him in a few days. Sometimes he would leave and I would just cry and never really understood why. I sometimes thought about how unfair that it was that I had to share him with his family, friends, school, and basketball. We found ourselves spending less time together. We knew the move and transitioning into a long distance relationship would be tough but it was only for a year and we thought it would be worth it and decided to try. I had no idea just how hard it would be. It was only a three hour drive to Nebraska to where he was going to school, but that semester I was working two jobs to be able to pay my bills. Money was a struggle and I could only make time to see him about once a month and it had to be me coming to see him. He had basketball obligations every weekend that made it impossible for him to come see me. When I did come to see him things were not the same. Being in an unfamiliar place and he was always leaving for practice, study hall, team meetings, ect. I would make the drive up there and spend a lot of time in his apartment alone. He was struggling with the fact of being in a new place and not being able to see everyone he loved anymore. Life was changing but I was holding on to the fact that it was only for a year and we loved each other. Things continued to be hard. I was working a job that literally drained my happiness from me. There was a lack of communication and so much struggle from both sides. The things we once loved about each other became the traits that we now found annoying. I just wanted him to be home. I started doubting myself, him, and our relationship. I started making huge sacrifices in my life and sometimes felt like he was not even meeting me halfway. I didn’t always take time to empathize with how he was feeling or to understand how much he was struggling. I started trusting less and getting jealous more and our relationship started to become toxic for the both of us. But I was willing to have those few good moments, even though the bad was outweighing the good to be with him. I crossed lines I knew I was crossing. I did things that were selfish and so did he. We stopped compromising and stopped communicating. We started drifting apart and I didn’t want to see it. I was constantly feeling like I wasn’t enough. We would break up for a day and get back together the next. Basketball was picking up and we just did not have time for each other.Another huge factor that played a role was the fact that I felt like his parents did not like me. I was told many times “you are dating him, not his parents” which was true, but he adored his parents. This might not seem like a big deal and I don’t think what they did was intentional, but when I was around them I felt self conscious and judged. I was constantly questioning why I wasn’t liked and what was wrong with me as a person. It took a huge toll on me and they were his parents and he didn’t see it and thought I was just being over dramatic, but it was something I thought about all the time. Constantly feeling like I wasn’t good enough for them or their son. I think maybe they took my quiet nature as me thinking I was better than them or stuck up, but that wasn’t the case. I really wanted to have a great relationship with his family. They were important to him so therefore important to me as well. A few weeks before Christmas and one week before finals I went up there. We had a good weekend and everything seemed fine. For once we weren’t really fighting about anything. Then as I was leaving he sat me down and we talked about it and he said it was time to be done for real this time.Not really thinking he was serious I left to go back home, thinking we would see each other in a week when he came back for Christmas and get everything figured out.
— Life —